Hurt People, Evolving

Here's a lesson I wish I'd known, growing up and venturing out into the world: separating my worldview from my parents' worldview was an important developmental process, not a forbidden act of betrayal.

When we're dependent on our family of origin for the roof over our head and the food on our plate, it's really really difficult to fully take this in.

And when we're trying to make our way in the wider world, it's really really helpful to understand it.

Most of us learn to code-switch to some degree, and that's a helpful first step. This is how to behave at home, this is how to behave at school, this is how to behave at my best friend's house. But what I'm talking about goes beyond this.

Every system has its own equilibrium, based on the wants, needs, desires, and power of the individuals in that system. One of the most important elements of power is the ability to leave the system—which we don't have as kids. So no matter how much we may be able to impact the system of our family of origin (and we're not powerless in that—even the cry of a baby has plenty of impact), ultimately as kids our survival skills are developed in relation to this system. And it's not a perfect system—it represents the imperfect learning of imperfect people about how best to survive and thrive in the world. Hurt people (which is all of us) hurt people, and hurt people create dysfunctional systems.

As kids we do our best to get by in systems where we're ultimately pretty powerless, but how we behave when we're feeling good is different than how we behave when we're under pressure or when we get triggered. When push comes to shove, our loyalties are clear and our patterns are deeply ingrained. Reliant on our families, we absorb their worldviews and their dysfunctions in ways we are often unaware of, and our survival skills are mapped accordingly. We may struggle in school or with our peers because of it, but the consequences skyrocket later in life when our adult relationships and our livelihood are at stake.

Hurt people create dysfunctional systems. And the survival skills we learn in our first dysfunctional system (our family) may actually hurt us in other dysfunctional systems we encounter.

When you go out into the world, you're still wired to survive in your family's worldview. Whether that means throwing the first punch, or people-pleasing, or keeping a stiff upper lip, or any number of survival strategies that have undesired consequences in other settings.

Hurt people create dysfunctional systems. A founding CEO's dysfunction becomes part of the fabric of the organization, and people with compatible dysfunctions support its growth. Ancestral trauma informs cultural patterns. Families pass on what they know about how to survive and thrive, no matter how relevant those methods are for the current environment. Sometimes as kids we can see this dysfunction, but our survival depends on not seeing it. As adults, our survival depends on navigating multiple systems with multiple worldviews. Some adults manage to find environments with familiar systems or develop a code switching mastery. Many adults go from one system to another to another, getting fired, breaking off relationships, leaving a job that "doesn't fit" for another one that won't fit either. But we can also make a choice to evolve.

Part of the developmental process of becoming an adult and separating from your parents is to not only be able to code switch between dysfunctional systems for your own adult survival, but also be able to help evolve new, less dysfunctional, systems.

This takes something more than basic code-switching. Often, it takes a deep level of understanding and some serious rewiring of your nervous system.

Any system tries to keep its members and parts inside the system, for its own survival. So this isn't easy work. Even an exiled member is expected to uphold the system's worldview. And yet, the individual needs to be able to separate from the system enough to see the system, in order to have optimum chance of survival beyond the system.

It is our birthright to be allowed to do the hard work of separating from our parents, look at these systems from the outside, get clear about our own worldview, and then figure out how and where to re-engage.

And ultimately, although everyone has a right to make their own choices about their own growth, we all have to choose the growth path long enough to get out of the systems we were raised with, in order to fully thrive as adults and be fully responsible to the children we raise. And this work will do wonders for all our relationships, though there may be loss and grief and anger and pain along the way.

ABS :: draft date 10/20/2016

On Capacity, Kindness, and Preaching

I believe that generally people are doing the best they can. And they are limited often by a lack of options that they're aware of or that they have the strength for, whether that is due to education or trauma or something else. I also believe that generally we can do even better.

It is sometimes hard to reconcile the idea that generally people are doing the best they can with the reality of all the terrible things that happen in this world—all the terrible things that humans do to each other and to themselves and to the world around us.

I believe that we can be kinder and we can be more understanding and we can be more compassionate—to ourselves and to each other and to the world around us.

And I think it's easier to do that when we can see better options and when we can access better options.

Part of what I am trying to do with my life in this world is shine more light on some of these options and help people find pathways there.

Especially in the space of how we act after we fuck up, or in the middle of it.

And in the space of situations where some hurt is unavoidable but not all of it is.

I think we need more models. We need to see, here is what it's like when a situation is handled more kindly, more gently, more authentically, more respectfully. And sometimes, not always but sometimes, it's really clearcut that one way of handling a situation is a better or kinder or more respectful way than another.

And when I have clarity and perspective like this, I want to share it, so that people can learn from it. So I might preach and say, hey, you're in this this situation, this here is the better pathway, this is stepping towards the world that we want to be living in, please try. I can say please try. I can say may I help you try and step into doing that. I can say please consider acting this way.

And at the same time, I'm not you. I don't know what you are personally capable of at any given time. Maybe if I know you pretty well, I can say, I think you can do this, but I can't say I know you can do this. I'm not inside you, I'm not in your shoes. You know if you can do it or not. And maybe one day you can and one day you can't. It's not always linear. Am I always doing in my best in each moment? Well my best looks different when I'm in excruciating pain, when I'm exhausted, when my hormones are out of whack, when I'm sick. I wrestle with my own judgment, I wrestle with my own choices, I wrestle with preaching one thing and sometimes doing the exact opposite. Sometimes our best is basically throwing a temper tantrum.

So I can map out options and I can advocate hard for you to try one of them, I can preach that one is better (kinder) than another, but I can't know what your best is at any particular moment. I believe that we're all generally trying to do the best we can, and there's always room to grow. And that it's not my place to judge your choices.

But we can learn, and we can practice, and sometimes we can get to the place where even in those moments of temper tantrum we can take a breath beforehand, we can be aware that we're about to lose control. Maybe we can step into a different room. Maybe we can ask someone to help hold the space for us or warn them what's about to happen. There's all sorts of learning.

Going back to this idea of the space of how we act after we fuck up, or in the middle of it. Most moral codes are pretty clear about Do This, Don't Do That. But what if you just Did That? Does it matter how you act afterwards? I think so. I think that's exactly where it does matter. That's where there is the most room for healing, that's where there is the most room for growth.

And so I invite you to join me in stepping towards that growth.

ABS :: draft date 11/19/2016

I hold these truths

I hold these truths to be self-evident:

We're not inherently better than any other people or nation.

This planet has limited resources.

Excess now takes away from future generations, and excess for Americans takes away from other humans.

This nation was built on terrible injustices as well as lofty ideals. We have a responsibility to face these injustices and own them and to step fully into restorative justice for African Americans and Native Americans.

Capitalism as it is currently being practiced here is a threat to our nation, because rich getting richer and poor getting poorer leads to revolution. We need to find a way to bring in enough elements of socialism so that everyone is cared for and taken care of, in all the ways we are still failing most people right now, and keep the best parts of capitalism—so that everyone can get by with a decent life, and those who want to strive can still be rewarded for their success.

The American experiment with democracy is at risk. Timely, courageous, and effective action from our elected representatives matters. Thoughtful and educated participation in elections by each of us also matters.

ABS :: draft date 9/19/2018